


Bad Date

by Seiya234



Series: Transcendence AU [9]
Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-29
Updated: 2014-10-29
Packaged: 2018-02-23 01:52:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2529641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seiya234/pseuds/Seiya234
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Miss Willow Pines has a date that does not go well.</p><p>(and Dipper has some demon sheep in reserve)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bad Date

Chris Davies had been going out with Willow for a month when she invited him over to her home for dinner.

“My dad cooks pretty good,” she added shyly. Today she had bright blue lipstick on, to match her equally bright blue sweater.

Chris paused for a tiny second. He had been warned, before he started going out with Willow, that the Pines family was…odd.

And not always in the fun, kooky way either.

But Willow was looking at him through her glasses, and all the freckles on her face looked like tiny stars to him and Chris really, _really_ liked her a lot.

“Okay, what time?”

The smile that broke out on Willow’s face was totally worth it. Besides, what was the worst that could happen?

He really would regret thinking that, Chris realized later.

————-

He knew Hank and Acacia already, because duh, school, but it was kind of cool to see what they were like at home. When he drove up, Acacia was outside, sunbathing on the roof with her girlfriend, Reina.

She sat up as she saw his battered old pickup pull in. “Hey Chris! I hope you don’t mind if Reina joins us too?!”

Reina didn’t bother to sit up, but she did kick up a foot in greeting.

“Nope,” he called back. Reina had only been going out with Acacia for a month longer than he had with Willow, so perhaps she could draw some of the conversational fire away from him.

He knocked on the door and Hank answered it, bits of computer wire stuck in his hair.

“Hey Chris, Willow is helping Mom upstairs, but she’ll be down in a minute. Come on in.”

The first thing Chris noticed when he stepped inside were not the mass amount of bookshelves and books the Pines had somehow crammed into this room but the soda machine (in a house?) and moose head and the-

“Is that….a jackalope head?” Chris asked a little weakly.

Hank looked over. “Oh yeah, that. Grunkle Stan had a lot shi-stuff left over from when this was a tourist trap, and we kind of have it all over the house. Dad wants to say hi-let’s go to the kitchen.”

They passed through the living room-which had a fucking dinosaur skull in there and Chris wasn’t sure if he should be more weirded out or envious-and into the kitchen.

Mr. Pines was at the stove which….my god that thing was old. Old enough to have a stove pipe connected to it. How old was Willow’s house, anyway?

He was trying to concentrate on Mr. Pines but he kept being distracted by all the taxidermied animal heads that littered the kitchen because they were all kind of horrifying.

Mr. Pines finished sampling something from a pot and turned to Chris. He still had his work clothes on-cardigan, collared shirt, bow tie- but he had a kind smile on his face and a friendly hand extended towards him.

“Hello Chris, I’m Willow’s dad. You can call me Henry-“

He saw the blood leave Chris’ face.

“-or Mr. Pines, whichever you’re comfortable with.”

Chris managed to reach out and shake Mr. Pines’ hand. Mr. Pines seemed friendly enough….but he was taller than Hank, and considering Hank was already 6 and a half feet, that was saying something.

Mr. Pines smiled. “Well, I hope you’re hungry Chris. Tonight is meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”

He opened the door to the little oven and peered inside quickly. “Looks like it’s almost done. Why don’t you get Willow and Mabel downstairs for dinner? They’re doing something in the landing so just follow the stairs up.”

Mr. Pines wasn’t half bad, Chris thought to himself as he walked up the creaky stairs. He wondered what Willow’s mom woul-

“DUCK!”

Chris had just stepped up the last step and in ducking fell to the floor.

He looked up in time to see a woman in a neon green sweater that read “I PUT THE WHEE IN OUIJA!”, a long skirt, and massive globe earrings leap over him with a butterfly net.

“I almost got him! Willow, get ready with the window!”

He looked over to where his girlfriend was standing by a triangle shaped window with her hand on the latch.

“Yes Mom,” Willow replied. She saw Chris on the floor and gave him an apologetic smile.

“Annnnnd-GOTCHA!”

Mrs. Pines leapt from the top of the table that was in the room and with a downward swipe of her net captured-

“Okay little bat, outside you go,” she cooed to the bat in the net. Willow opened the window and Mrs. Pines gently shook the bat out of the net, letting him out of the attic room. She turned to Chris, and beamed a huge smile, before pulling him into a hug.

“Hello Chris! I’m Mabel! It is so good to meet you!”

Chris had never met anyone who spoke in almost entirely exclamation points before. Or who was over the age of twelve and still wearing fifteen bracelets on each arm. Or for that matter, someone who was an adult and still had light up sneakers.

Willow’s mom had a surprisingly strong grip for a mom, Chris thought dazedly. Also she was probably the weirdest person he had ever met (but remember Willow, he _liked_ Willow, keep thinking about Willow).

Chris managed a weak “Hullo Missus Pines.”

They had all gone downstairs-he and Willow had walked slowly down hand in hand while Mrs. Pines ran down the stairs-and were sitting at the table that Acacia and Hank had set when the other Mr. Pines joined them.

Chris had heard about Mr. Pines (Mr. Stan? Or would he be Mr. Pines and Willow’s dad be Mr. Henry? God, this was so confusing) before. That back before the Transcendence the Mystery Shack was a tourist trap and not the library of the supernatural that it was now. That Stan Pines was a con man and a cheapskate and also kind of a dick.

But Willow and her siblings spoke of him fondly; he was pretty much their grandpa, it sounded like, and he was older so maybe he had calmed down a bit.

Mr. Pines (Willow’s dad could be Mr. Henry) was a tall, burly man in his eighties, and had on a wife beater, some hastily put on pants, and….a fez?

“Hey kids,” he rasped out.

A chorus of “Hi Grunkle Stan” rang out from everyone, including Reina and Mr. Henry.

“Well, Halloween is next week and…and…”

Mr. Pines grabbed his chest and oh fuck fuck oh god was he having a heart attack? Oh my god Willow’s grandpa was having a heart attack and now he was rolling around on the floor in pain and

“AHHHHHHH!” Mr. Pines screamed and a… _thing_ burst out of his chest, blood squirting everywhere.

It was a good thing Chris hadn’t eaten yet because if he had he would have thrown it all up.

Everyone else was….not having the same reaction.

“Grunkle Stan, isn’t that from that old movie you showed us last week?” Acacia drawled, slightly bored sounding.

“You mean Alien?” Hank asked.

“Yeah, that one.”

“It is-but that’s what makes it perfect! Most the kids coming to our door this year won’t even know what hit them!” Stan replied, pushing himself up to his feet, completely fine.

And now that Chris didn’t feel like he was going to have a heart attack of his own, he could see that the blood was fake and the _thing_ a little spring loaded prosthesis.

“Well kids, I know you three think it’s old hat, but do you think this will work for Halloween this year?” Mr. Pines sat down at the table next to the remaining empty chair, the fake alien still popping out of his shirt.

His girlfriend looked at her siblings, and they were locked in silent conversation for a minute.

Willow turned to her great-uncle. “Eh, as long as they haven’t seen the classics, you should be fine.”

Stan grinned. It was not a nice grin. “Perfect.” He seemed to finally notice Chris. “Who’s this kid?”

Willow smiled, and shyly threw an arm around Chris, who still felt nauseous.

“This is Chris; my boyfriend, remember? I told you he’d be coming tonight?”

Mr. Pines looked at Chris for a good long second, and even though he had to be in his eighties, Chris couldn’t help but remember Mr. Pines was the one who gave Acacia her brass knuckles.

Finally he grunted, and looked away. “Well kid, welcome over I guess.”

Acacia frowned towards Mr. Pines. “Grunkle Stan! Be nice.”

“What? Kid, I’m 83, what do you expect?”

They were interrupted by Mr. and Mrs. Pines coming in with the food. They settled down but there was still an empty spot at the table, set with a plate and silverware and everything.

Chris looked at Willow. “Are we missing someone?”

Willow smiled. “Uncle Dipper will be here in a second.”

Mrs. Pines, who was sitting next to the empty spot, moved the plate there and exposed the mat which had….a summoning circle?

Mrs. Pines scraped off the top of a scab on her thumb and pressed it…oh my god she was pressing it to the summoning circle.

“Dipper? Dinner is ready!”

In the empty chairs, shadows coalesced and gathered and spiraled into a human form. When they cleared, a man who in the depths of his fear Chris thought looked vaguely like Mrs. Pines appeared.

Except Mrs. Pines didn’t have yellow on black eyes. Or pointed ears. Or a mouth full of shark teeth.

Or a voice that echoed deeply, darkly when saying things like “Oooh, meatloaf, Henry, you shouldn’t have.”

Something that innocuous out of a mouth like _that…._ Nope.

Nope.

Chris was done. He couldn’t do this.

——-

One minute Willow was sitting proudly if nervously next to her boyfriend, the next he had gotten up from the table and ran outside to his truck.

Willow ran after him, wheezing, not caring.

“Chris!” she cried as he got into his truck. “What-“wheeze “-what…what’s wrong?”

Chris gave her a pained look through the half open window of his truck, watching as Willow struggled to catch her breath.

“I’m…I’m sorry Willow. I just can’t deal with…with all of this. I…I think it’s over, okay?”

Before she had a chance to say anything, Chris had turned on his truck, and was driving off.

Distantly, in the background, she could feel her mother and sister and grunkle in the yard but Willow didn’t care.

Pausing only to take a puff from her inhaler, she ran past all of them and up the stairs into their room.

She locked the door and then collapsed on the bed sobbing.

Occasionally there was a knock on the door from her mom or her dad or Hank (Hank was better at the whole comforting thing than Acacia) but Willow just ignored it or yelled “GO AWAY-please” (because she didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings she just wanted to be left alone.)

An hour or two had gone by, and her stomach was reminding her that she hadn’t eaten dinner, when Uncle Dipper drifted down through the ceiling, settling next to her on the bed.

She looked over her shoulder from the little ball she had curled into.

“Go away,” Willow said, but not with much heat.

Dipper laid his hand on her shoulder.

“Not until you tell me what is really bothering you?”

Willow turned over to look at him, heat in her eyes. “Because having my boyfriend dump me in front of my family wasn’t bad enough?”

Uncle Dipper’s face had what her mom liked to call the “halp feelings wat do” look on it for a second, but he shook it off.

“There’s something else besides that Little Fighter, I can feel it. What’s wrong?” (Dipper could have read it from her mind in a second but there was such a thing as privacy and manners and family and no.)

“I….I….” Under his hand, Willow began to shake from crying, quietly, and Dipper had to remind himself that he could not go and rip the beating heart out of a sixteen year old boy.

“I…he _felt_ like he was a good guy, like he wouldn’t freak. I thought I _knew_ better. I…I…I should have known better and what’s the _point_ if I can’t tell from his aura and-and”

At this point Willow broke down sobbing, crawling into her Uncle’s lap and crying into his shirt. Dipper just rocked her back and forth while his youngest niblet cried it out, and once again tried to remind himself that he couldn’t go and tear the soul out of the kid who broke up with his niece.

That was probably a little extreme.

“I should have _known_ ,” she wailed in his shirt.

Dipper looked down. “Willow, how could you have?”

She sent a wave of colors at him in response, all bruise purple and sick green. Oh.

Dipper stroked his niece’s hair. “Kid, all this…all this magic stuff. It’s not everything. No one expects you to be omniscient or anything. You’re human. You misread him. It happens all the time, Sight or not. It’s okay.”

Willow continued to cry, but seeing as her grip loosened a bit on his shirt, Dipper figured she was starting to calm down a bit.

Dipper clucked her under the chin. “So….wanna go fuck with him?”

Willow didn’t have the shark teeth that her uncle did, but her grin was just as nasty as the one Dipper had.

“Let’s wait a few days, give him time to let down his guard.”

Dipper swept Willow into a big bear hug.

“I am so proud of you right now….um, don’t tell your mom why though please?”

——-

It had been a week since Chris had broken up with Willow and…nothing had happened?

Of course, Hank gave him lots of disappointed looks that made him want to curl up in a ball and meeble (um, in a manly way), and every time he passed Acacia she looked like she wanted to rip his guts out and jump rope with them.

Willow just ignored him though, or gave him a friendly nod and went on her way every time they passed by.

He was kind of a dick, Chris knew that, and he could have handled the whole thing better but he was expecting a _little_ more reaction out of Willow. She wasn’t as…as… emotive as her siblings, but he still was surprised to have not gotten a dirty look or a locker door to the face.

Yes, Chris thought as he got under the covers to go to sleep, it was odd….but eh, maybe Willow understood? I mean, she had to understand that not everyone was going to be like Reina and get her weird ass family and

_Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa_

…..the fuck? Gravity Falls was a small town, sure, but his house was in the middle of town, no farm or pasture nearby and

_Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa._

Okay. That was too weird not to check up on. Chris threw on some pants and flip flops and went over to open up the window to check where the random ass sheep noises were coming from.

He popped his head out of his window and immediately came face to face with a sheep.

A sheep with two sets of glowing, red eyes, several rows of razor sharp teeth in it’s mouth, and oh yeah, it was fucking floating because Chris was on the second floor. It’s face filled his entire field of vision.

B̵̠̰ͦ̅͂̍̓ͯA̢͖̥̯̟̥̱ͫA̸͇͙̖͐ͬ̀̄ͫͫ̋A̜̲̺̱̗̗̔̅͐̚̕A͎͆͌̈ͩ̃̚͞Ā̛̙̂ͣ̚A̺̫͎̼͔̓͂̽͗ͭÂ̲̺̙̋̾́A̟͙͗̔́̇A̸͕͌ͨ̐̂ͭ̇Ả̵̫̮͓̥̯̿͗̌A̵͈͍̤͇̮A̡͖̱̺̱Ȁ̬̞͇͈ͣ̾̏̀͌́

Chris backed up from the window so fast he ran into the wall across from the opening with a hard thud. Chris was so scared he couldn’t even scream, just make little “eeehhh eeeeeh” sounds.

Hands clasped his shoulder, each finger landing individually on his shoulder, tipped in needle like claws.

**_y̞̯͎͈̳̯̳o̸̩̬̞̘̦̩͓ṷ̧̗͕̮͔ͅ ͓̣̹s̹͚͖̲̱̣̙h̼͉̰͇͙̝̦o̻̜̜u̵̙͔l͕d ̛̼͚̪̳̲̪͓h̛̟͈͕̼̦͈ͅa͍̯v̡̗͖e̙̫̗̦̦ ̼̠n͍̜̖̦̖̣͍e̹̹͍͉͔ṿ̢e̥͙̝̫r͕ͅ ͕̲̰̱ḇ̟̤̪̕r̛̝o̺͎̝̞͡k̲ę̩ ̵̣̘̙̟̪h̖̼̙́e̳͚̣̜̭r̜̼̳͝ h͖̮e̢̩̤̝̦̹̘a͟r̬ͅt̪͙͚ͅ_ **

At this point Chris may or may not have wet himself and passed out.

A sound of cackling, and Smooches the Sheep (it had been a three year old Hank’s turn to name Dipper’s new sheep) floated into the window, a triumphant Willow with video cam in hand riding on top of him.

“Uncle Dipper, I got it _all_ on video! That was brilliant!”

Dipper emerged from the wall, and drifted over to Willow. They looked at her ex-boyfriend lying on the floor.

“You could probably kick him a few times and he won’t wake up.”

“Nah, it’s okay Uncle Dipper.”

He looked at the videocamera in the hands of his youngest nibling. “What are you going to do with that Willow?”

“I was thinking blackmail.”

Dipper grinned. “Attagirl.”


End file.
